The Wisdom of A Stupid Box

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“Carry around an invisible stupid box.”

That was some of the wisest advice I received for grief and loss.

At first I thought it was ludicrous. After all, who needs more stupid on top of all the heartache? Nonetheless, I paid attention because the advice giver was my professor who specialized in hospice and loss. She was more of a flower child psychologist who knew her stuff, and at the same time was so down to earth that it opened hearts.

Short in stature, she still had no trouble hopping onto the top of the teachers desk where she sat throughout the class (when she wasn’t walking around to get closer to students on the verge of tears.) She was awesome!

I can still see her broad smile and messy hair as she held the invisible box.

“People in grief need a stupid box.”

Then… she began to stuff the invisible box full of stupid things that well meaning people often say while trying to help, such as:

I know how you feel.

Aren’t you over it yet?

Don’t feel that way.

Did you open the door through sin?

At least you have another child.

God needed another angel so He took your loved one.

If you ever experienced deep loss, you probably know how unhelpful those kind of statements can be.

So why carry a stupid box full of stupid comments?

It can be one way to not digest (or internalize) it. You acknowledge what happened, and right then and there, you quietly take the comment and shove it into the invisible box while thinking… Okay! That was really stupid. You might even allow yourself to be amazed. Wow! That was a big one! I know they meant well… but Wow!

Since you dealt with it in the moment, it can have less internal impact. Sure… there are exceptions and no simple answers. This is just one small thing that I have incorporated into my own life that I thought worth sharing in case it helps you.

Personally, I do my best to dump out the box in conversation with the Lord and a trusted friend.

Please note: This post is not an end all. Grief and loss are complicated and can crush our soul. Life, as we knew it, is changed and gone. There are no easy outs nor a single quick fix. I am sorry for that. I wish I could change it… but I can’t. What I shared today is one thing that helped me. If it doesn’t fit for you, just throw it in the trash or set it on a shelf for later.

Please know that I care and am praying for you this evening.

Mary